quitting

Awakening

So, here we are. About a dozen moons ago, kinda let myself go. 

I mean, we’re talking about packing on serious suet poundage, dire asthma attacks, perilous blood pressure readings, clinical melancholy… the whole nine yards.

So, what do we have here??

Yea, more good news.

The way I figure, its only matter of time before I’m down for the count from stroke or a heart attack. Luck would mean dying (quickly!) before assuming an exalted vegetative state.

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Early last year, had to walk away from a career I had dead set my heart on for, easily, the past five years.

It took boatloads of planning, visualizing, studying up on things to provide up-to-date services to clients, and don’t even mention the sheer brutality of physical preparation involved.

That still does not include the 4 am alarm clock, and preparing in near-silence afterward for something that made you a laughing stock during civilized conversations. That is, if you talked about your future plans at all. Taxis would feel so comfy you sleep in them on the way home from work.

But that’s not really the difficulty here, nor is this an authentic pity post. No, the most painful takeaway from the entire fiasco was not that my best wasn’t good enough; it was the simply obvious fact that my chosen road was nothing more than a dead-end job and a monumental waste of time from a purely economic and career-building standpoint.

I was playin’ the wrong freakin’ game.

I had sorely misjudged my chances of success in an industry that had torched my belief in the idea that sound planning and accompanying hard work would eventually get one to where they need to be. 

It’s really no fun when you quit something you set your heart on. And there’s a whole slew of calamities that came shortly after, to add intense spice to the cake mix. But hey, anyone who’s been around the block knows that problems rarely, if ever, travel alone.

But realities are realities, yea?

And theres only so much a person can take. At that point, change is  inevitable. It could be positive change, it could very well be negative change.

It’s not so easy to narrow it down and say, oh, things are gonna be better from here on out. Or, hey, it’s all downhill from here.

Sometimes, you gotta change. It’s not the same animal as forced change. Like when you were a kid & well-meaning adults forced you to up your academic grades, in order to live up to familial and societal expectations.

It also happened when you faced bullies at school who (gods bless their souls) forced a complete re-evaluation of various coping and engagement strategies.

Or, when you’re pushing past your limits at a job you really cannot afford to lose, and there’s serious fuckin’ pressure to deliver. Or else.

No, we’re talking about a whole different animal here.

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Intrinsic.

The stuff that comes from that deep, dark, empty…space inside of you. Stuff that keeps you awake at night. Or flips that on button before the morning alarm goes off.

That change is a necessary evil, often catches us completely unawares. A spellbinding sucker punch to the deep gut tissues.

Any full-wit knows the very definition of insanity is doing the same things, over and over, and expecting a wholly different result.

There comes a time, when all the risk assessment and back breaking effort, fail to rival the task at hand. There comes a time, when the right thing to do, the sanest thing you can conceive of, is simply quitting.