You might enjoy this a little... 

It's nice.

What's that... I'm nice?

No, stop it. You're nice.

Again I'M SORRY!

But this apology is not about my absence, rather my recently acquired addiction. It’s not drugs, porn or Maeve Binchy novels... I’m done with those. Instead I’m addicted to the greatest show in the history of the Universe.

The 2008 US Election build-up is packed so full of awesomeness that you might mistake it for a gang bang with Bar Rafaeli, Scarlett Johansson, Jeffrey Lebowski and, well... Sarah Palin.

This is a real life drama with EVERYTHING. There’s PLENTY of white trash, there’s Bible Bashing, there’s Creationism, there’s mudslinging, there’s far left liberalism, there’s further right conservatism, there’s half a nation that just DOESN’T FUCKING GET IT!

Oh-my-God-this-is-so-compelling-i-might-just-shit-my- Breathe Beast.

Here... let’s have a quick crash course to bring everyone up to speed.

Last week, Barack “Luther” Obama accepted the Democratic ticket to run for presidency. Fuck Yeah, go you little biscuit! John “Think Again” McCain promptly pissed all over that parade by announcing that his running mate would be an inexperienced uber-conservative Beauty Queen – all in a blatant effort to try and pick up votes from Hillary’s disenfranchised feminist supporters. (Good plot. Let’s continue):

I know! Demi Moore in Disclosure right?

This Sarah “Stinker McHotstuff”  Palin has a massive pair of... nuts actually, but that didn’t stop her from popping out 5 kids. What’s that you ask? What are her kids’ names? Oh, I don’t see how that’s relevant, they have pretty stock-standard names:  They are Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig. See, nothing out of the ordinary there. Anyway, while her husband Todd was cleaning their nappies, Sarah was making a name for herself on the kids’ school council. And give or take a year or two as Governor of Alsaka, that’s pretty much all she’s done.

But if you thought this story was missing the all important Jerry Springer factor, don’t go anywhere.

Did I mention that if Palin was any further right wing she’d be able to round Habana? She has strong anti-abortion views and doesn’t believe you should have a child outside of wedlock. etc. etc. Well, at the tender age of 44, Sarah Palin is about to become the hottest grandmother on the face of the earth. Her 17 year-old unmarried daughter (Admit it, you probably would) is 5 months pregnant:

She's on the right. Holding the kid. Not hers. Her brother. Name: Trip or something

5 months pregnant with this kids' son:

Levi's Ice Hockey career will take a back seat. Never saw this coming.

I know, right! This IS too much. But we’re not done yet. Levi Johnston had this to say on his MySpace page:

“I’m a fuckin redneck”.

Nice. Anything else Levi?

“I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some shit and just fuckin' chillin' I guess."

"Ya fuck with me I'll kick [your] ass,"

I knew those peer sharing sites would come in handy one day.

Anyway, this shit is going down live as you read. The Republican Convention looks more like the Academy Awards, with journalists scouring the red carpet for glimpses of anyone involved in this circus. A whole bunch of pregnant kids with brand new wedding bands are climbing out of planes and holding hands and holding baby siblings and saying the right things and...

Palin is speaking today and it’ll probably be seen by more people than the Superbowl.She's going to have to counter a shit-load of other allegations that, frankly, I'm too tired to mention. But they're quite hectic. Google it.

The other Palin kids not pictured (too busy having sex)

At 72, John McCain is no spring chicken. Don’t be surprised if Sarah Palin (Spring Chicken, Mother, Grandmother, Religious Zealot) is the world’s most powerful person at some point in the near future.

Although I hasten to add... she has confessed to trying Marijuana. So she’s got my vote.

Wow. Now this shit is fucked.

Jeez, lately i've been delivering like our Olympic athletes.

<pause> tic tic TISH!

That was one of those climatic joke drumrolls... 

Not that funny, hey? Well fuck you too. What would you know anyway... you probably don't live in the UAE.

I blame the lack of drugs. Shit, we're talking NOTHING here folks. Forget Crack and Crystal Meth.. you can't even find those rad smelling felt-tip pens.  

Umm, hey check out how funny these are: 

wow. funny.

oh, heavens. perhaps funnier yet

shitsteaks. what an hilarious trifector

I've seen those before Beast.

Whatever. Shut up. I've seen your mom before.

Bye the way, if you want Radiohead's Kid A to sound awesome... boil 16 Pandadol's together with a pair of 6 month-old running shoe laces, and snort the sundried remnants through a 30 Dirham note, tipped with Indonesian candlewax, lined with burnt match oxides.

Allegedly.

Obviously while my Afghani housemates are trying that shit out, I'm rescuing stuff from shit.   

Yes yes, you suck, get on with it

Amidst floods of hugs, tears and dry roots, Michael Vaughan has stepped down as England captain after (Burger) King Smithy’s incredible heroics cost his side their first home series loss to SA in 43 years.

It doesn’t stop there. Despite a century straight out of last chance saloon, Paul Collingwood has followed suit and resigned as 1-day captain. What noble men they are, Vaughan and Collingwood (noble men who forgot how to hold a cricket bat). Both have been struggling for form, so they decided to make things easy for their selectors.

Enter: Arrogant Cockface McToolbox

Have you seen my reverse backside sweep and my massive penis?

Wow. We’re in for a cracking rest of the English summer. Smith and Pietersen are, by their own admission, the most AWESOME people in the world. With the test series already in the bag, the next 6 weeks look set to blow your mind as the 2 South African-born chosen-ones blow their wads all over themselves and each other.

Don’t get me wrong: In its context, Old Steak Pie’s innings on Sunday was one of the most sensational of all time. He certainly deserves his place in the side, he probably deserves the captaincy and he definitely deserves high fives, strippers, blowjobs and all the accolades that go with his truly remarkable performance.

He just doesn’t deserve an invitation to my party.

Because he’s a knob.

And that’s one of my rules: No knobs allowed at my party.

Pietersen can’t come to my party either. For the same reason. Anyhoo he’ll be too busy perfecting his new British accent. Rumor has it that he's looking to drop the 'i' from his surname (Pietersen) to make it sound more English. True Story. I mean true rumor. I know 'cause I made it up. Listening to him accepting his new role was a thing of beauty. It went a lot like this:

Kev-dog: Crumpets, Yes, I’ll give it a jolly good go old chap. I say, I used to talk like a cocky, abrasive dickhead… however I have circumnavigated that stage and now I just sound like a haughty tool. Let's retire to the longroom and take a nice warm cuppa.  Core Blimey old chap I suddenly notice a nip in the air. Gosh Darnit, my massive tallywacker is firming up somewhat. Strudles I am awesome.  

You're fooling nobody you philandering knob jockey. Good luck in the 4th test and congratulations on throwing away your wicket on 94 (fair enough I guess. Paul Harris is a remarkable slow bowling talent).  

This really is exciting stuff and it makes my long awaited comeback so much easier. Way to say goodbye to writers' block. 

Incidentally it also means that the Captains and Vice Captains of both sides are ALL South African, with Andrew Strauss taking up the deputy position for the poms.

Hey, aren't the Olympics starting soon as well?

You

So the hate mail is coming in.

This is one of the more humorous examples thereof. Humorous because i know it's an idle threat, Timmy. You're 2 years old for God's sake. How do you plan to end my life?

I must say, your ability to master the digital camera, photoshop and the Ultraweb show tremendous dexterity on your part. I was impressed you even made it out your cot.

Anyway, tell your mom I miss her.

Lots of love,

Your Dad, the Beast 

Dammit

I have to stop lying to you all.

"I'm back in the game"

"Just give me a few weeks"

"OK, Now I'm finally online"

"This time it's for real!"

For 2 months I was imprisoned

Alright, Travolta's had a bunch of comebacks. The average Joe normally get 3 strikes before he's out. The boy who cried wolf only got two let offs before the cows started boning him and his sheep. But I just want one more chance... This whole Cape Town - Dubai transition has been a little more taxing than i expected, but things are slowly starting to mellow. So give me one more week and I'll make all your dreams come true.

CUE SABC 1 - Give Him Another Chance

And now I have been Unimprisoned / Set Free

I will make you happy again.

I promise.

Again.

Only this time, i mean it.

Again.  

Jeez kids, be positive. We have SO much to catch up on.

What has The Beast been up to the last 8 weeks?

I’m glad you asked. See, I’ve been unearthing CONVINCING evidence that US presidential hopeful Barack Obama is the lovechild of legendary soul singer, Marvin Gaye. Take a look:

Barack

Barack's dad

Exactly. I didn’t even use Photochop.

Let’s examine Marvin’s credentials:

-          He wrote Let’s Get It On

-          He took Heard It Through The Grapevine to Number 1.

-          He (and not Ben Harper) was first to offer Sexual Healing

-          He (and not Diana Ross) was first to record Aint No Mountain High Enough

-          He released What’s Going On. Widely regarded as the greatest non-rock album of all time. His song of the same name is probably the most profound musical statement of all time, and behind only Like A Rolling Stone, Imagine, and Satisfaction as Rolling Stone’s 4th Greatest Song of all time. When you consider the obvious bias in their No.1 choice, the lack of imagination in their No.2 and the dissatisfaction provided by their No.3 – you’d have to realistically give it the Academy Award for Greatest Song in the World. Ever.

So we’ve established that Marvin Gaye competed at the business end. He spent the entire game deep in the opponents half. If he were a national Waterpolo side, he’d be Hungary or Poland or something. He was the type of guy who dips everything in Awesome Sauce.

Unfortunately his dad was not. Marvin Senior shot him dead in a family squabble. Which is a crying shame. Dads really should refrain from killing their sons. Even when things get a little heated:

“Please pass the salt pops”

“No, you promised to cut down on your sodium chloride intake son”

"I know, but it’s so delicious on these here fried eggs. Send it over old man."

"I’m warning you my boy, don’t… "

" Dad, I’m not gonna ask aga…"

BANG!

So unnecessary. What are you doing with a .44 at the breakfast table anyway?

So the whole getting-killed-by-your-dad thing was less than ideal, but thankfully for us all, Marvin’s lovechild is a chip off the old block. He’s all about change and hope and the good virtues that his old man espoused. In fact you almost get the feeling that Barack Obama wrote What’s Going On.

Barack? Marvin

Barack writes about father Marvin

I can already see his first speech as president:

Brother, Brother, Brother, we don't need to escalate. You see, war is NOT the answer for only love can conquer hate. You know we've got to find a way to bring some Mclovin' here today. 

Picket lines and picket signs… don't punish me with brutality! Talk to me, so you can see what's going on. 

At this point a choir of journalists will interrupt in unison (sounding much like Jeremiah Wright’s congregation) with:  

What's going on? 

Barack then continues:  

Yeah, what's going on. What's going on. You know we've GOT to find a way to bring some understanding here today. 

This seems like as good a time as any to let this resurface.  

{youtube}RPYqR1cj2Vg{/youtube} 

I’m sure the all-star cast would be only too happy to do a repeat performance in solidarity with Marvin’s eldest son.

So, umm, there it is… vote Obama.

That’s right. BeastInsight is Barack Back with a bang.

Get Involved!

The Arabian Interweb is almost ready.

That's all I'm gonna say!

Check your date. It's not the 1st of April.

I know i should have told you sooner, i just wanted to see that look on your face.

Yes, THAT look.

That  one.

So it's mindfuck city right now - what with the Beast busy hooking up a pad, a car, some chicks etc. Give me some time.

Don't think I don't know what you're thinking right now... “What a fraud, how can he be loudly South African from the Middle East?”

Pipe down sweetheart. I have some treats in store. As soon as I get my shit together we’re all go.

Besides, The Middle East is a good place to be right now... what with a Soviet Submarine parked in Durban harbour about to launch nukes into Botswana (I take no responsibility for the accuracy of that last statement. News is laden with spice here).

There is far too much crazy shit happening here for me to keep quiet for any significant length of time. Regular programming will resume shortly. I promise.

As soon as I stop sweating all over the keyboard.

You know what... I'm fine with this!

I'm just surprised Meatloaf hasn't eaten this pie chart.

"You better believe it..."

Thanks The Greek